How is summer going, you ask?

Well, as of right now I have been out of school for a week. The first few days were great. Sun by the pool, an amazing guy walked back into my life, I was having fun with my friends. But from the 3rd until the 6th I got to experience life in the "ideal world". I had no cell phone, no computer, no tv, no clock or watch, and none of my good friends. I had to learn how to make it by myself and those I was with. And I did.

I thought a lot about him, and about him and about him also. All three of them mean so much to me. I thought about losing him again. I thought about how he isnt coming back. I thought about him in a peaceful way, I didn't hate him for what he had done to me.

I tried to think more about them than about me. I just want the best for them. I want them to be happy. I want them to have everything they deserve. I want him to find the girl of his dreams and not be afraid to take chances or make mistakes or know how special and loved he is. I want him to gain what he lost and be able to keep it for a long time.

I left knowing these 4 days gone would change a lot of things in my life. I came home having a lot changed. Some changes are good, others are awful. I just don't know if i can deal with them again.

I cried all last night and all this morning. Why? I can't say really, I just hurt. I hurt in a good way, I hurt in a bad way, I hurt in a frustrated way. I though really long and hard last night. I realized I'm not good enough. I realized that I don't deserve him but I do deserve this new pain. I realized living in the shadows of a dream is better than being in the spot light and failing miserably.

Death. It just won't stop. RJ, Tommy, Kyle, Chris, Sheawn, Preston, Jag, Hart, Cougar, Rick, Teegan, Joe, Ryan, Toni, Aiden, Daddy, Jake, Blane, Zaney, Jeff, Uncle Chris, Austin, Xavier, Mike, Eddie, Det, Katrina, Lilly, Matt, Nick, Jared, Corey, John and so many others were taken from me way too early. My best friends, my greatest companions. Now there is no Justin, because I wasn't here when he needed me. Because he wont talk to any one but me, literally. And now he's gone, along with Shane K. and Tyler. In 4 days we miss so much. I just wish I could have helped.

Love. How do you explain it?
"I love you" is an overly used phrase that doesn't mean a thing if you don't mean it. For me, "I love you" is the single most difficult phrase to hear or to say. HE was the only guy I ever felt it would be ok to flat out say it to. He was the only guy who made me feel comfortable enough to not hesitate and think "he's going to hurt me so bad in a few weeks or months, better not say it" But it was ok. I just wish i love you didn't have so many meanings so I could figure out how he means it.

I'm not giving up. I'm not going to quite, but I don't know how much longer I can take all of this. I'll put my guard up and continue to handle everyone's problems and pain because that is what I do. Just... Don't ask about me. Please. Because I'll tell you right now, I'm not ok.